Good Intentions

All people are good.

At least the underlying intentions of humans are basically good.

There is much evidence to support the idea that all people are basically or fundamentally good.

The first concept that comes to mind that proves that the basic intentions of all humans are common and good, so they must be good is the fact that throughout the world many basic laws are similar and show goodness as a theme. Most to all cultures believe it is wrong to kill. Other laws are in place to support not doing harm and doing good to other citizens, animals, and the environment. The collective conscious generally inspires us to take right actions if we are awake and aware enough to notice.

Even when people have bad behaviors if you ask them layer by layer to explain their underlying intentions you will find them they were good. Even though they may be far off track in the actions they were taking, they were initially trying to do good. Examples of underlying intent being good even when say a person robs a store are things like; take care of myself, feed my family, eat, feel better, buy things we need. 🙂 Off track but good intentions.

All of the charitable work done in the world is because people are basically good. The patience and hard work of parents in loving and taking care of their children is because they want to serve, contribute, and do good. A tendency to nurture and love animals in most people is because they are good. Babies and young children are born with a good nature, and they tend to reciprocate love.

Even though there is much bad in the world it never ceases to amaze me how much good there is in people. Humans work hard to contribute and help. When trials and catastrophes occur so many people bond together and help and assist those less fortunate even when they have lost everything. Behavior can be bad, but given the right circumstances that learned behavior will self-correct and people will return to their good nature and eventually contribute in many ways.

There is far too much evidence in the world to show a common thread of decency and good among everyone for one not to see the good in everyone. When we look for the highest in ourselves and others we can always find it. Let you GOOD come out, no really it’s O.K.!

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Care-taking VS Care-giving

Care-taking VS Care-giving.  There are crucial differences between care-taking and care-giving and you will notice: the healthier and happier your relationship, the more you are care-giving rather than care-taking.

Care-taking and care-giving can be seen as a continuum.  We usually aren’t doing both at the same time.  The goal is to do as much care-giving as possible and to decrease care-taking.  Care-taking is a dysfunctional, learned behavior that needs to be changed.  We want to change so we can experience more peace, contentment, and better relationships. Intimates in your life may resist your healthier actions, but shifting to care-giving is a huge gift you are bestowing upon your loved ones. (Even when they do not see it at first)

The first step is identify loved ones that are care-taking you. (anyone in your life that you have given permission to watch over (Judge your decisions and or problems) Do you ask for opinions or advise in unhealthy ways? Do you ask or expect others to help carry your burdens, consciously or sub-consciously? Do you consistently go to the same people for help or support in a way that has allowed them to think you NEED them?. Are you giving them some control of your decisions or at least creating a dynamic of needing their wisdom instead of your own?

After you identify who is care-taking you, then ask yourself what role you play to keep that dynamic going. Care-taking is a hallmark of – and is rooted in co-dependency insecurity and a need to be in control, or give up some responsibility or control to another.

Care-giving is an expression of kindness and love, and is based on altruistic empathy with no expectation or ego based attachment to outcome. When we truly allow autonomy the other persons success or failure is their own and should have no effect on how we feel about the help, support, and love we gave or attempted to give.

Here are some key differences between care-taking and care-giving:

  • Care-taking feels stressful, exhausting and frustrating.  Care-giving feels right and feels like love.  It re-energizes and inspires you.
  • Care-taking crosses boundaries.  Care-giving honors them.
  • Care-taking takes from the recipient or gives with strings attached; care-giving gives freely.
  • Caretakers don’t practice self-care because they mistakenly believe it is a selfish act.
  • Caregivers practice self-care unabashedly because they know that keeping themselves happy enables them to be of service to others.
  • Caretakers worry; caregivers take action and solve problems.
  • Caretakers think they know what’s best for others; caregivers only know what’s best for their selves.
  • Caretakers don’t trust others’ abilities to care for their selves, caregivers trust others enough to allow them to activate their own inner wisdom and problem solving capabilities.
  • Care-taking creates anxiety and/or depression in the caretaker.  Care-giving decreases anxiety and/or depression in the caregiver.
  • Caretakers tend to attract needy people.  Caregivers tend to attract healthy people.  (Hint:  We tend to attract people who are slightly above or below our own level of mental health).
  • Caretakers tend to be judgmental; caregivers don’t see the logic in judging others and practice a “live and let live attitude.”
  • Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises for someone else; caregivers empathize fully, letting the other person know they are not alone and lovingly asks, “What are you going to do about that.”
  • Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises; caregivers respectfully wait to be asked to help.
  • Caretakers tend to be dramatic in their care-taking and focus on the problem; caregivers can create dramatic results by focusing on the solutions.
  • Caretakers us the word “You” a lot and Caregivers say “I” more.

As with changing any behavior, becoming aware of it is the first step.  Watch yourself next time you are with someone and ask yourself where you fall on the continuum.  It will take some work to change and you may experience some resistance and fear in the process — but what is on the other side is well worth the struggles of transformation.

Remove yourself from being taken care of in kind ways, and learn to accept care-giving instead. (This may be from new intimates or from shifting existing relationships)

Become a Caregiver yourself. Give freely non-attached to outcome. Guide don’t direct, and ask questions to help others discover their inner wisdom instead of assuming they need your profound wisdom.

Traveling from co-dependency to in-dependency and then hopefully to interdependency in our relationships is difficult but not impossible. We all are entangled and connected. We all need to support and love and be supported and loved as we move through challenges and seasons in our lives.

Happy Care-giving;-) !!!!